Sunday, May 29, 2011


We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

~Joseph Campbell

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Live Your Dreams 5K

Today I ran in the "Live Your Dreams" 5K. I have been training off and on for this race -- let's face it -- I would much rather race than condition! Competing against myself isn't any fun for me!

I had a goal to beat my fastest ever 5K time -- back in 2009. The time that I ran that race was 31 minutes and 26 seconds. As I came past the bend I saw 30:02 ... I sprinted to the end and I believe my final time is roughly 30:09 ... BUT we didn't have timing chips and I wasn't FIRST off the line ... so my time was probably around 30:04. Regardless ... I BEAT my fastest (and first) 5K time. Now it's time to start training for my next race in June ...

... it's to support infant and pregnancy loss

I feel that is an important one for ME to do!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Everything I was hoping for .... except.

It's no secret that I've been struggling with my fertility ... forever. Joe and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary in June -- I have been my own birth control pretty much the entire time. In 2008 we had a plan. Take all sorts of medications to get my body working the way it should ... and I get pregnant. Well ... I started the routine in May and was pregnant in June. It worked beautifully. It can be argued, however, that because things happened so fast ... it didn't work and we had an intervention from on high. Obviously it was meant to be that Jace join our family.

In January I started the routine again -- I also decided to join weight watchers again to help control my weight. I know that I'm not obese ... I'm not even hugely overweight either -- but historically I have gotten pregnant (yes all 4 times now) after losing 10 to 15 lbs. Can you get pregnant overweight ... of course. Is it easier if you lose 10% of your body fat? Of course. So that was the plan.

I noticed that during the 6 weeks I was constantly thinking: "I can't wait until I'm pregnant because then I can eat what I want" ... not exactly the mindset you want from a soon to be pregnant woman. But it is what it is. Infact, as soon as I did get pregnant mid March -- that's what I did. I told people (JOE mostly) that I planned on being healthy because I didn't want gestational diabetes again ... but I started going for the drive through again and cafe rio and whatever. We found out we were pregnant on a Wednesday and I miscarried on Saturday. I went straight from celebrating that I was pregnant again (and it seemed to come so easy!!) to an emotional wreck. There were two separate times that I ate an entire box of girl scout cookies by myself. I started the self destructive behavior of secretly going through the drive through and not telling anyone (using cash -- untraceable ... and hiding the garbage under other garbage in my trash or even resorting to throwing it in my neighbor's can ... Sad.)

A few weeks after I was walking around Walmart with Jace and decided to look in the book section. I noticed a book that I've seen millions of times ... "Mastering your Metabolism" by Jillian Michaels. I put it in my cart then put it back .... I don't yet need one more diet book and plan. Then as I was walking away I noticed that the book claimed to balance your hormones to start working for you rather than against you -- I picked it up and put it back in my cart.

Quick side note ... I have a sick family. Both sides really. Heart disease. Type 2 diabetes. Cancer. Stroke ... The genes really are stacked against me. I know that the choices I make today will become my reality ... side not over.

I started reading this book and it is almost like a light bulb came on. In one of the first chapters it said: "It's not about being thin to be healthy ... it's about being healthy to be thin"


There is a reason that diets never work for me. Why I gain and lose the same 20 to 30 lbs over and over again. Because I'm not focused on the right thing. I knew that if I wrapped my brain around the healthy part ... the thin would naturally come. If I watched what chemicals I put in my body ... maybe just maybe my hormones would balance and I can "fix" myself.

While Joe and I were at Zions we took this time to reflect on the changes we want our family to make. How we want to eat. What we want to bring into our house. What we can do instead of the "quick fix" of eating out .... During that week of reflection we came to the decision that for the next 3 or 4 months we'd focus on being healthy ... not on getting pregnant or losing weight, but on being healthy. I am so glad we did. Our only plan, really, was to continue taking the one pill that was supposed to help me have a period. Take the pill for 5 days and have a period 3 days later. That was the plan. Try to reset my menstruation while we are at it!

So May 1st came and I started my pills. I finished taking them on May 5th and was hoping for myself to start on or around May 8th .... Nothing. I wait ... Nothing ... I wait. GRR.

On May 12th I call my doctor to find out what to do. When I didn't hear back from the nurse by the afternoon -- I decided to just go in and make an appointment. We looked at my hormone levels that were run (in 2008 ... OLD) and decide to re-run the numbers. Basically he said that because my period isn't coming SOMETHING is wrong. I'm expecting Insuline, or testosterone or maybe even estrogen. After waiting to get my results for a week (a different story for a different day ... this is getting long!!) I got my results back yesterday.

I didn't know what to do!

I've never NOT had a plan.

The problem is ... when there is a problem ... we can fix it. When your numbers come back stellar ..... (well as far as I know stellar) what do you do. My doctor doesn't. He has advised that I go to a specialist ($$$) I do have to say though, my period eventually came on the 14th or so. I told that to the nurse in a voicemail ... but I'll probably call to remind her of this. So here's what I know so far:

Insuline: Normal (6-27) 2008 data (28 or so) 2011 data (8.6)
Yes, that's right. No more metformine for me!!!!! (YES!!)

Testosterone: Normal (11-55) 2008 data (109) 2011 data (34!!)
Are you kidding me? Could I have actually fixed some of my hormone problems? That's what it looks like. It's great! I am so pumped for this!!! But we are now at a loss as to what to do with my fertility.

As I see it I have several options, but I think this is what we are going with:

We can't afford a specialist. Not right now. Maybe in August (which fits with our get healthy not thin/pregnant plan) So I am goign to call my nurse and tell her I'd like to continue trying what I am doing for a few months to see if my body will respond more quickly to the meds than it did this time. I'm not going to get discouraged if/when they don't work ... but I'm going to keep trying. I'll continue to eat organic where possible. I'll continue to run and exercise. I'll continue to lose weight ... I'm only 15 - 20 lbs away from my goal. I'll probably go see a 2nd doctor outside of his office -- to get a completely different set of eyes looking at what is "wrong" with me ... but for now I'm not going to stress. I'm going to celebrate. I'm not diabetic. Not only that ... but I dont' show signs that I will be or am in any danger to become diabetic any time soon. My thyroid is good. My testosterone is good. My estrogen is good. Everything else he looked are good. I'm celebrating that!! I'm not going to let this get me down. I have acheived something great. Something that so few can do without medication. If, come August, I'm not having a monthly period on my own (ok, yes with meds helping here) then I'll go talk to Dr. $$ at the fertility clinic. That's my plan.

Thanks for reading. No pics and a novel. You are dedicated!!