Thursday, May 19, 2011

Everything I was hoping for .... except.

It's no secret that I've been struggling with my fertility ... forever. Joe and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary in June -- I have been my own birth control pretty much the entire time. In 2008 we had a plan. Take all sorts of medications to get my body working the way it should ... and I get pregnant. Well ... I started the routine in May and was pregnant in June. It worked beautifully. It can be argued, however, that because things happened so fast ... it didn't work and we had an intervention from on high. Obviously it was meant to be that Jace join our family.

In January I started the routine again -- I also decided to join weight watchers again to help control my weight. I know that I'm not obese ... I'm not even hugely overweight either -- but historically I have gotten pregnant (yes all 4 times now) after losing 10 to 15 lbs. Can you get pregnant overweight ... of course. Is it easier if you lose 10% of your body fat? Of course. So that was the plan.

I noticed that during the 6 weeks I was constantly thinking: "I can't wait until I'm pregnant because then I can eat what I want" ... not exactly the mindset you want from a soon to be pregnant woman. But it is what it is. Infact, as soon as I did get pregnant mid March -- that's what I did. I told people (JOE mostly) that I planned on being healthy because I didn't want gestational diabetes again ... but I started going for the drive through again and cafe rio and whatever. We found out we were pregnant on a Wednesday and I miscarried on Saturday. I went straight from celebrating that I was pregnant again (and it seemed to come so easy!!) to an emotional wreck. There were two separate times that I ate an entire box of girl scout cookies by myself. I started the self destructive behavior of secretly going through the drive through and not telling anyone (using cash -- untraceable ... and hiding the garbage under other garbage in my trash or even resorting to throwing it in my neighbor's can ... Sad.)

A few weeks after I was walking around Walmart with Jace and decided to look in the book section. I noticed a book that I've seen millions of times ... "Mastering your Metabolism" by Jillian Michaels. I put it in my cart then put it back .... I don't yet need one more diet book and plan. Then as I was walking away I noticed that the book claimed to balance your hormones to start working for you rather than against you -- I picked it up and put it back in my cart.

Quick side note ... I have a sick family. Both sides really. Heart disease. Type 2 diabetes. Cancer. Stroke ... The genes really are stacked against me. I know that the choices I make today will become my reality ... side not over.

I started reading this book and it is almost like a light bulb came on. In one of the first chapters it said: "It's not about being thin to be healthy ... it's about being healthy to be thin"

WOW

There is a reason that diets never work for me. Why I gain and lose the same 20 to 30 lbs over and over again. Because I'm not focused on the right thing. I knew that if I wrapped my brain around the healthy part ... the thin would naturally come. If I watched what chemicals I put in my body ... maybe just maybe my hormones would balance and I can "fix" myself.

While Joe and I were at Zions we took this time to reflect on the changes we want our family to make. How we want to eat. What we want to bring into our house. What we can do instead of the "quick fix" of eating out .... During that week of reflection we came to the decision that for the next 3 or 4 months we'd focus on being healthy ... not on getting pregnant or losing weight, but on being healthy. I am so glad we did. Our only plan, really, was to continue taking the one pill that was supposed to help me have a period. Take the pill for 5 days and have a period 3 days later. That was the plan. Try to reset my menstruation while we are at it!

So May 1st came and I started my pills. I finished taking them on May 5th and was hoping for myself to start on or around May 8th .... Nothing. I wait ... Nothing ... I wait. GRR.

On May 12th I call my doctor to find out what to do. When I didn't hear back from the nurse by the afternoon -- I decided to just go in and make an appointment. We looked at my hormone levels that were run (in 2008 ... OLD) and decide to re-run the numbers. Basically he said that because my period isn't coming SOMETHING is wrong. I'm expecting Insuline, or testosterone or maybe even estrogen. After waiting to get my results for a week (a different story for a different day ... this is getting long!!) I got my results back yesterday.

I didn't know what to do!

I've never NOT had a plan.

The problem is ... when there is a problem ... we can fix it. When your numbers come back stellar ..... (well as far as I know stellar) what do you do. My doctor doesn't. He has advised that I go to a specialist ($$$) I do have to say though, my period eventually came on the 14th or so. I told that to the nurse in a voicemail ... but I'll probably call to remind her of this. So here's what I know so far:

Insuline: Normal (6-27) 2008 data (28 or so) 2011 data (8.6)
Yes, that's right. No more metformine for me!!!!! (YES!!)

Testosterone: Normal (11-55) 2008 data (109) 2011 data (34!!)
Are you kidding me? Could I have actually fixed some of my hormone problems? That's what it looks like. It's great! I am so pumped for this!!! But we are now at a loss as to what to do with my fertility.

As I see it I have several options, but I think this is what we are going with:

We can't afford a specialist. Not right now. Maybe in August (which fits with our get healthy not thin/pregnant plan) So I am goign to call my nurse and tell her I'd like to continue trying what I am doing for a few months to see if my body will respond more quickly to the meds than it did this time. I'm not going to get discouraged if/when they don't work ... but I'm going to keep trying. I'll continue to eat organic where possible. I'll continue to run and exercise. I'll continue to lose weight ... I'm only 15 - 20 lbs away from my goal. I'll probably go see a 2nd doctor outside of his office -- to get a completely different set of eyes looking at what is "wrong" with me ... but for now I'm not going to stress. I'm going to celebrate. I'm not diabetic. Not only that ... but I dont' show signs that I will be or am in any danger to become diabetic any time soon. My thyroid is good. My testosterone is good. My estrogen is good. Everything else he looked are good. I'm celebrating that!! I'm not going to let this get me down. I have acheived something great. Something that so few can do without medication. If, come August, I'm not having a monthly period on my own (ok, yes with meds helping here) then I'll go talk to Dr. $$ at the fertility clinic. That's my plan.

Thanks for reading. No pics and a novel. You are dedicated!!

6 comments:

Lynsey said...

I'm glad that your lifestyle change is doing what you wanted it to do as far as getting your hormones in check. Keep you head up!

Stephanie Stohel said...

Well my dearest sister I will try to not come over late at night when both of us want wendys. :)

I also hope that everything works out!!! I don't know why you are sent this challenge, but it sure is a good one! Hopefully this round of meds works!! I want a little girl to snuggle with, and play dress up with! It sounds like you have a very good mindset on it!! I am proud of you!

Worwood Family said...

I know it will work!!!!! I hope so at least!!!! If you ever want a good Dr I work for a AWESOME OBGYN that helps woman get pregnant all the time! I wish you luck Jen :)

Triny Kay said...

you are such a strong woman to be able to endure all you do! i can's imagine what you're going through. when we decided we wanted to have a second kid, i figured it would be easy to get pregnatn since brenna wasn't even planned and it was literally one time without protection, when i thought i was safe. but it took us almost exactly a year to get pregnant with ian. i was so frustrated. i can't even begin to think how i would be after dealing with stuff like that for 10 years, especially with actually gettin gpregnant and then only to miscarry. i would be a complete wreck, and would probably be very bitter. you are keeping such a positive outlook! you are such a great example to me. just remember, all those times you miscarried, you will see those babies again =) i hope this next go around works and you get to add another sweet spirit to your family. have you guys thought about adoption? i know that costs $$ too, but just think, you would get the joys of a new baby, without the pregnancy weight =) i love you to death!!! good luck! sending tons of good vibes your way!

Scarlett said...

I feel so connected to you! This is a crappy thing to have to go through. It's very frustrating when they tell you everything is normal. I am seeing a really great fertility specialist if you decide to see one. I wish you the best of luck. This is only going to make us stronger, right? I actually hate it when people say that to me. lol. But really, the Lord has a plan for us. It's so hard to not know what it is, but I think he has some great things in store for our families. Keep me updated! Your in my prayers. :)

Sarah Elizabeth said...

We're just dedicated because we love you guys! And you have cute kids...and hey, I can spill my eternity theory on you, as it works for kids as well! Whatever forever family you are meant to have will come, and no amount of delay will change that they will be yours forever :) Isn't that awesome! It doesn't matter when forever starts, it's never any shorter.